ksolaris: (airbender)
About four days ago, I had this dream that really left me feeling particularly upset when I woke up. I'm writing about it now, because I can't seem to forget about it, because it was so darned vivid.

Creepy-ass dream details below )

Brrr... I want none of that ever again. =_=;;;
ksolaris: (dark zelda)
Gargh.

It's just 3.5 more hours before my shift at work ends, and after the previous case that I worked on just before I started typing this out, I am now DRAINED. Ugh. I just can't wait to get the heck out of here, especially since my day off begins right after this shift, then I don't have to be back until Thursday night.

To be honest, I can't wait to get out of here FOR GOOD. In fact I'm tempted to just simply waltz out of here now and not show up for work on Thursday, or ever again, for that matter.

Sigh. If only things were that simple, ne?

Hehe... I need to be patient, though.

I'm currently ironing out a couple of things that would hopefully allow me to PERMANENTLY leave the whole call center hullabaloo behind. It's still a work in progress, but I'll know the results within the next couple of weeks, but so far, it's looking good. In the meantime, I'm keeping the whole thing under wraps since I don't want to jinx it. Some people out there (you know who you are) already know what I'm up to, but I just don't want to blatantly let the cat out of the bag until... well... until the cat is IN the bag to begin with.

I feel particularly sick right now, and I want to run to the restroom and throw up, but I think I can hold out another 3.5 hours without causing any form of disaster. I think.

Similarly, I think I can still also put up with my current work state for several more weeks, until I figure out how the new plans are really coming along, and if I could afford to drop my current job like a hot potato, before walking up to some people at the office and slapping them senseless.

Until then, I quote from Nigella Lawson, whenever she dumps a whole bowl of butter, or sugar, or both into a mixer: "Be brave."
ksolaris: (nana)
Now I know that this may sound silly, but I do find myself particularly sad over the news that George Carlin has died. Yeah, the loveable old geezer has kicked the bucket, and even though I'm not even within six degrees of knowing the guy, I have to admit that I'm sort of getting choked up about the thought of him being gone. I checked out his official website, and the front page made me want to just start sobbing. Hehe. I'm such a softie.

What's weird is that I've already blogged about quite number of celebrity deaths, but none of them (save maybe for Princess Diana) actually made me as sad as this one.

Sigh.

I'm guessing that the reason for this would be because I have a lot of good memories of listening to George Carlin's routines with friends. I've also spent many a rainy day with Lem, staying indoors, sipping warm coffee and just playing Carlin's jokes on my PC speakers. I remember that I laughed so hard the first time that I heard Carlin's Complaints and Grievances routine, and I couldn't get enough of it. Oh, and let's not forget his entire piece on euphemisms and idiomatic expressions. It's golden, I tell you. And then there's his takes in language, war, religion, the Ten Commandaments, flamethrowers, and bumper stickers.

Now that I think about it, let's not even talk about whole routines. Even just one-liners from this guy never fail to crack me up.

Ah. George Carlin. The cranky and frighteningly intelligent grandfather that I wish I had, but never did. XD

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.


Good night, George. I'll miss you pretty badly.
ksolaris: (Default)
For one thing, when I was a student/bum, I didn't have to worry about things like insurance. Sigh.

Here's the thing:

I'm covered by my current company's HMO, and the health plan is GREAT. I love this.

The problem is that the only other people that they can cover for free would be my husband and children, if I had them. I was told that if I wanted to get health plans for my parents, I'd have to pay 1200php for EACH one of them, PER MONTH. So yeah, on top of witholding tax and the requisite deductions like SSS, etc etc, I'll also have to pay another 2400php A MONTH to give my parents proper health care.

...

GAH!!

Sigh. This is really going to make things harder for me, and I will have to redouble my efforts to save up, and budget and scrimp. In fact, I think this is the part where I get tested on just how hardworking I can be. This is the part where my willpower will get stretched to the limit.

Of course, I can just simply NOT get my folks health care plans... but I feel that it's important that I do this. They're getting old, and they have a lot of aches and pains that they complain about. For so, so many years, I've watched them self-medicate and second-guess, and just simply do ANYTHING it takes to avoid going to a hospital because they're too scared of whatever bill it may incur. I want them to stop doing that already. I want them to have themselves checked and treated as necessary without worrying about the costs of lab tests and consultation fees. Having them covered by the company HMO will make all that possible.

Sigh.

This is so hard on me.

On one hand, I want to save up, and buy myself all the things that I want, and eat at nice places whenever I want to. On the other hand, I know that I have a responsibility to keep, and that I will have more peace of mind with knowing that my parents can finally see a doctor whenever they need to.

I bet this wouldn't be so hard if I wasn't so damn greedy and capricious and shallow.

Sigh.

At the moment, the only answer to this dilemma that I can think of would be a TREMENDOUS amount of overtime work at the office. I'll also have to work extra hard so that I can be sure to grab all those performance bonuses each and every month. And I'll have to get promoted soon.

My Grand Plan (TM) must go on without a hitch so that I can give more, both to myself and the people that I love.
ksolaris: (dark zelda)
Last Friday's bombing incident in Glorietta has been somewhat surreal for me. After the flurry of SMS messages and phone calls back and forth to check if everyone was okay, I then realized that I actually still had to go to work later that evening. I passed in front of Makati Med on the way to the office, and it was still somewhat discomforting to know that the place was crawling with news crews because there were people in there who got hurt or died from the incident.

When I got to my desk, the first thing that I did was monitor the news, and this lasted all throughout my shift. Each time I refreshed the page and scanned the list of names of the dead and the injured, I held my breath, dreading to see a name that I knew. It's one of the worst kinds of fears that a person could have, I think.

It also didn't help that the girl whose desk is adjacent to mine was one of the injured (but you gotta give it to her for still making it to work that evening). Apparently, she was in the exact location of the blast, literally minutes before it went off. She was just standing there, fixing her hair in front of one of the shop windows as she waited for her boyfriend to step out of the comfort room. Thankfully, the boyfriend didn't spend so much time in the comfort room as he normally did, and as they walked away, the blast happened.

He was able to shield her, and he got a nasty bruise on his back as he was hit by a hefty piece of flying concrete. She, on the other hand, came to work very shaken and nervous, with band-aids all over her arms as she got cut by pieces of glass.

As the names of the deceased were released in the news, she kept saying over and over, "That could have been me". It made my head spin, and my nerves were rather frayed for the rest of the night.

It's one of those days that just made me wish so hard that I had superpowers that I could protect all my loved ones with. Something that would guarantee their safety.

It's really hard when you realize that sometimes, it's not just about you anymore.
ksolaris: (Default)
Ian's mom just called me to let me know that there's been a couple of explosions in Glorietta 2, about 40 minutes ago. According to the GMA and ABS-CBS flash reports, at least 3 people are dead.

They're still investigating the cause, and I'm wondering if it's a busted LPG tank, since I do remember that some time earlier this year, one of the restaurants inside the mall caught fire. They were able to quickly put out the flames that time, though, and only part of the restaurant's ceiling got burned. The restaurant was back in business after about a week.

Nobody died that time, though, so yeah, this scares me.

I can hear sirens outside. Not pretty to wake up to after this morning's CNN surprise. I don't like today's recurring theme...

EDIT:
Ian just called me to check on me. I told him not to take the train back home today, just to be safe. I've also called my folks to let them know I'm okay since I know that they'll panic once they do decide to tune in to the 6pm news later.

More sirens are blaring outside, and I can tell that they're speeding along Evangelista street right now, just two short blocks from our condo.

News like this hits hardest when you know that people you love or know may possibly be in danger. Then everything just changes, doesn't it?

Another linkie that seems to have more updates:
http://newsinfo.inquirer.net/breakingnews/metro/view_article.php?article_id=95462
ksolaris: (Default)
"I can see body parts strewn all over the road," said CNN's Dan Rivers, at the scene. "There are dead bodies everywhere. ... It is a large-scale attack, by the looks of things."

The death toll is likely to rise, officials said.


This is just so fucking sick and wrong.

When you turn on the TV at 6am for the morning news, and instead see a full-scale Breaking News coverage on CNN which features looping footage of an actual suicide bomber attack, you just know that this stupid world is sick and broken in so many ways.

I feel queasy, and the sandwich that I had a couple of hours ago seems to be propelling itself all around the walls of my stomach as it searches for the way back up my throat.

It's just sick, I tell you. I can never understand. I'm not sure I want to understand.

...

What if that were us? And what if it was here...?
ksolaris: (Default)
Last September 30, I realized that I have been putting too many personal projects on hold for the past few years, and so I decided that it's about time that I finally got off my butt and finished those projects. After all, I was shocked at how fast this year is drawing to a close, and I simply couldn't let this year go by again without having a little something more to show for.

Anyway, one of those personal projects has been to FINALLY encode all my old poems, print it out, and stash them somewhere for future generations to find. After all, who knows? Maybe my future grandkids would like to have a good laugh from time to time.

You see, back in high school, I REALLY thought that I had the makings of a poetic genius. Of course, now that I'm almost 24 years old, I now know that ALL high school students have this tendency to think that they are the bestest evar at something or other. Anyway, I've been keeping around this old notebook which I have lovingly filled with random phrases which I once thought were valid pieces of classical literature seventy years from now. It's actually a load of crap, but back then, I actually made an extra effort to write really neatly and carefully in this notebook - and people who have seen my handwriting will know that this IS a great challenge for me - and therefore, this whole thing has significant sentimental value.

Now, I just want to sort of organize those poems, file them away, and then get rid of the ugly, old notebook which I've kept it all in for all these years. Don't worry, I have no intention of publishing those poems, because seeing as to how even I can't bear reading some of the stuff that I wrote back then, I'm giving that goal a rest. (I mean, look at Billy Corgan and Jewel. Both were doing pretty well until each decided to publish their poetry collection, and now see what it got them.)

I actually started the encoding process last night, and holy moley, it was a PAINFUL EXPERIENCE. It was an utterly indescribable few hours, when I couldn't make up my mind whether to laugh at myself, or cry because of those really bad poems. They were THAT BAD. The earliest poem was dated 1996, and I honestly still can't bring myself to believe that I wrote that crap, and the rest that followed it. Hence, the .doc file has been aptly, and lovingly, named "load_o_crap.doc".

As I was reading all my old words, a realization also dawned upon me...

HOLY CRAP, I WAS EMO BEFORE EMO WAS EVEN INVENTED!! I AM TEH AWESOME!!

I then repeatedly banged my head on the table to snap out of it. When my boyfriend finally got home later that day, I told him all this, and after a long bout of laughter, he pointed out to me that this was only because back then, people refered to it as "angst", because people actually bothered to spell out complete words on full-sized keyboards instead of inventing convenient abbreviations like "emo".

Because of this moment, I have come to several conclusions:

1.) A person only has the right to be emo up until the age of 15. Then you grow up. The only exception to this rule would be if your emo-ness is sure to positively (emphasis on positively) contribute to literature, art, music, society or culture in general.

2.) When your high school daughter's favorite word seems to be "darkness", be alert!

3.) Boy, did I have a lot of baggage back then...

And get this, inserted among the pages of my old poem notebook, I also found a small post-it with my name "K" written on it... in blood (I think that was from a time I pricked my finger for a sewing project or something).

O, ha?? O, HA?? WAGI, di ba??!!

Hehehehehe... me and my bleeding heart. XD XD XD XD

I have to admit that this has got to be one of the funniest things that I've done in a while. XD XD
ksolaris: (airbender)
I've just passed the one-month mark at my new job, and within that span of time, there have been some things which I still couldn't get myself to agree with. For one, the very nature of the job is something that I once swore I would completely get away from. Once upon a time, I told myself that there would be no turning back, that I would never be caught here again, and yet here I am once more, back where I started.

Could I say that I was just a victim of circumstance? Perhaps. Could it be that I was just too lazy or too untalented to get the job that I actually wanted? Plausible. But then, could this just be the World's way of telling me that I've been going in the wrong direction all along, and that it has already made a way for me to get back on the right path? Maybe.

I'm just terribly confused, that's all.

On one end, I can see that pieces are falling into place, and I now have a chance to get things that I've always wanted. This makes me happy. On the other end, I'm petrified with fear as I wonder if perhaps I'm not fulfilling my utmost potential, that perhaps I'm settling for something while unknowingly sacrificing something greater that was meant for me. And as if that weren't enough, there's also a part of me which spends its time wondering if it's wrong for me to even assume that where I am right now is not where I'm supposed to be, that THIS isn't the way for me to reach that potential which I fancy myself to have.

Maybe I'm just having delusions of grandeur.

I keep thinking about Jack Sparrow's compass from the movie "Pirates of the Carribean" (yes, yes, I'm guilty of being a fangirl. So there...), the one that points towards the direction of that which you most desire, and I can't help but wish that I had one just like it. At least I would have had a way of validating if the direction that I was going in was the right one.

Why is it so scary to be wrong?

Some time last week, I had a short conversation with one of my co-workers, and as I listened to her talk, she mentioned something that made my heart skip a beat. Because of this tiny shred of information that she shared with me, I suddenly knew (or thought I knew) what I wanted for myself. Suddenly, I saw a goal that I can strive for, a direction. In that split-second, pieces snapped into place, and I felt this renewed sense of challenge. In that moment, things suddenly came into focus, things that made me tell myself that in three years, I would reach that goal... that in three years, I will crush my own personal demons and break myself for the sake of reaching that finish line... that in three years I will snap my pride in two and win the game against myself.

Suddenly, it occurred to me that I've been trying so hard to find North, that I completely forgot that that wasn't where I was supposed to go.

Or was it..?

If only I wasn't so terrified of getting lost and drowning.
ksolaris: (dark zelda)
(June 3, 2007)
First off, this is not directed to anyone in my flist, and I have someone else in mind as I say this. I just have to get it off my chest:

Just remember that it's a karmic year, love. What goes around comes around, never forget that.

No harm has been done to me or mine, but I just find it completely annoying to have to bear witness to such stupidity, hypocrisy and downright cheapness even from this far.

With that out of the way, on with semi-coherence! ^_^

-----------------------

Now that my wonderful summer fun is over, it is, unfortunately, time to come back to reality. There's the fact that I am now itching to process too many pictures from our vacation, the fact that my camera is still dead, and the fact that more maternal issues have apparently sprung from nowhere while I was off enjoying myself.

Sigh.

The sorting, cropping, renaming and archiving of the whole 300++? photos is something that I'm actually looking forward to.

I am now hunting for a new and better digicam. I gotta admit that after 3 years of rough handling, I suppose that I've already gotten my 5000 pesos' worth from my old camera, so I suppose it's about time to upgrade afterall. I'll have to save up first though, and I still owe some people, and there's still the rent and bills, but I'm sure that I'll find something within my budget soon.

As for the maternal issues... sigh.

No. Menopause is NOT an excuse for everything )
ksolaris: (Default)
Lolz. Wala lang.

Sigh... At the moment, I feel exhausted in so many ways, and yet at the same time, I feel this scared, little spark of hope building up somewhere inside me. Either that, or I could just be hungry.

Anyway, the most recent crossroads of my life (which I am yet to make a decision on) is looming again in front of me. As if that wasn't enough, I just realized lately that I have idiots for relatives, and that the idiocy of some of them may just cost the life of yet another idiot relative. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Sigh. Maybe I'll write about it all when I'm done being exasperated. Maybe. We'll see. I think.

In the meantime, there is much to do.

-----------------

I'm just so, so happy that at times like this, I know that I have Ian, my friends and my family with me.

Speaking of friends, [livejournal.com profile] jylichan passed by our apartment some days ago and it was fun. The best part is that he brought butter popcorn with him, so yeah, I'm happy. And he aso brought along scans of the gorgeous artbook for Okami. I swear, I MUST HAVE THAT ARTBOOK!!
ksolaris: (airbender)
I just finished reading the entire set of Zettai Kareshi manga scanlations... and the ending is now depressing me to, well... no end. T_T

possible spoilerific thoughts )
ksolaris: (okami)
I mentioned in a previous post that Ian's folks dropped off some groceries the last time, right? Well, in that batch of groceries, they also gave us 3 cartons of fresh milk, and 2 cartons of fruit juice. I remember that Ian and I happily stocked the fridge that day, and that the cartons looked so pretty, lined up neatly in the bottom shelf.

At that point, I also remember thinking to myself, "Wow. I've never had so much fresh milk at one time, in like, my entire life..."

Lolz. Oh, the sadness of it all. XD XD XD

Seriously, though. When I was growing up, my parents went through several droughts, and because of that, fresh milk was considered (and still is, though not as badly anymore) a luxury. After all, a carton costs about 75 pesos, and it contains about 4 glasses of milk which has to be consumed as soon as possible, because it can go bad. Compared to 50 pesos worth of powdered milk, which can last for about a month, and only needs a scoop's worth to make a glass of milk... well, you can see the difference, right?

So, whenever we had fresh milk at home, it was such a rare treat that my parents would immediately set it aside for me. They wouldn't touch it, even if I offered my glass to them, because they'd rather have me drink it instead.

Anyway, so you could just imagine how I felt, as I admired the neatly-stacked cartons in our fridge. XD XD I'm just glad that nowadays, I can afford to buy milk for myself and my parents so that they can get that much-needed calcium, too. XD XD XD

---------------------------

I've been meaning to announce the glories of Multiply.com for a while now, but I've been forgetting, so here it is:


I've had the account for a good while now, and I remember that I created it several years ago, because Luis was hiding from one of his psycho-stalker girlfriends at that time and had to move his blog. Haha! Anyway, it looked ugly back then, and after all these years, it's only now that I actually managed to start using it.

Plus, it was a MAJOR thing for me to figure out how to finally merge both my LiveJournal entries and Yahoo! Photos stash in the same place. Amen.

And yeah, they have that nifty badge-maker thingy, too. :D
ksolaris: (dark zelda)
It doesn't help that I just learned from my dad that he, my mom and some other relatives are going to Ilocos Sur tomorrow, of all days, to make it to his half-brother's funeral on Saturday.

It also doesn't help that I'm neck-deep worried about the farm in Bulacan, particularly our mango and mahogany trees that we have there. The trees aren't that old yet, so I fear for them.

What worries me most is that my parents have ruined their present because they are placing their entire future on those trees.

I can only pray.

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